I Need My Heart to Let Go Too

There are moments when the heart and mind feel like they’re in a full-blown war. That’s where I am right now—caught in between. My heart still holds on to this little flicker of hope that my husband will choose me. That he’ll wake up and realize what we built matters. That love will be enough.

But my mind?
My mind is tired. It’s been trying to protect me. Trying to remind me that the facts are louder than the fantasies. That someone can only say “I don’t want you” in so many ways before I have to finally believe them.

I used to pride myself on not needing anyone. I told everyone—and myself—that I could do life on my own. But the truth? God knows that was a lie. Before him, I was a strong, independent single mom who carried everything on her back because I had no choice. I figured it out because I had to. But then he came along. And for the first time, I let someone else carry the load. I fell in love… but more than that, I fell in trust. I trusted that he would never leave. That our love would be enough to weather the storms. I really thought we’d grow together. Learn together. Build something that couldn’t be broken.

I didn’t realize how much I had come to depend on him. Not just for support—but emotionally. I needed the way he looked at me, the way we shared our jokes, our inside stories, our quiet comfort. That part is what I’m grieving the most. The good parts. The connection. The laughter. The pieces of him that made me feel safe.

But I can’t ignore the other side. The reality is, we were very different people. Our personalities clashed constantly. Our perspectives rarely aligned. We loved each other, but it was always either his way or mine. There was no in between. No compromise. Just collisions. I didn’t even realize how deeply I loved him until it was too late—until we were standing in the ruins of what used to be “us.”

The truth is, life doesn’t give do-overs. It just gives you space to decide what to do with what’s left. And right now, what’s left is me. Standing here with a heart that’s still healing and a future that feels uncertain. I prayed and begged God to take this pain away. And slowly, He did. I no longer wake up crying every day. I no longer feel like I can’t breathe without him. I’m not begging for another chance. I’ve accepted that this marriage is over.

But God, some days still hurt like hell. Like today. I’m financially stretched so thin I don’t know how I’ll get through the month. Emotionally, I’m just… tired. I’m tired of pretending I’m okay. I’m tired of seeing his face in the same house where I’m trying to let him go. I’m ready for this chapter to be done. For him to leave. For me to finally get the space I need to finish healing—fully, without interruptions, without memories sitting across from me at the dinner table.

I’ve been thinking about what my mom said before we got married. She told us that our rings were circles for a reason—that everything we do in a marriage affects something else. She talked about patience, forgiveness, change, communication… and honestly, we failed at all of it. We broke the circle. Over and over again.

Marriage was harder than I ever imagined. Loving him was never the problem. It was navigating the hard parts that broke us. And even though I wanted to make it work, I’ve come to realize that God has other plans. Bigger ones. Plans that don’t include us staying together. I have to believe that, even when it hurts.

I know I’m letting go physically. But emotionally? That’s the battle. I need my heart to let go too. I need it to stop chasing what’s already gone and start choosing what’s still here—me. I’m learning to love myself the way I’ve always expected someone else to. And it’s hard. But it’s necessary. Because I can’t keep waiting to be chosen. Not by him. Not by anyone.

This time, I choose me.

“He may be gone… but the version of me who stayed small to keep him? She’s leaving too.”

With love + truth,
💔 Aria Monroe 💗
Healing in real time. Choosing herself on purpose.