When I Looked at Him… and Then at Me

I am not okay today.

I tried to be. I tried to fake it. I tried to push through with the usual “you got this” pep talk I whisper to myself when no one’s listening. But today, it didn’t work. Today, the weight of everything I’m carrying caught up with me, and it broke me all over again.

Lately, I’ve been questioning everything. I feel like I wasn’t a good wife—no, I know I wasn’t a good wife. And that pain is deeper than I want to admit. I feel like I’m failing at motherhood, too. I haven’t been present the way I want to be. I feel like I suck at real estate, like I can’t make progress no matter how hard I try. And at work? I feel like I’m falling short. Like I can’t lead the way I’m supposed to because I’m so emotionally drained that I’m barely holding myself together. I feel like I can't win. Anywhere. I feel like I fuck up everything I touch. My life feels like a storm I can’t escape—chaotic, relentless, and unforgiving.

Last night, I looked at my husband. Really looked at him. And what I saw crushed me. He didn’t look like the man I married. He didn’t feel like the person I once thought would never hurt me. He looked… different. Stronger. More confident. He seems like he values himself now. He’s aged well, like time has made him bolder, more sure of who he is. He’s not the same man who once cried at our vows.

And then… I looked at myself.

And what I saw shattered me.
When we got married, I was powerful. I was confident. I felt beautiful. I felt seen and wanted. I was resilient and self-sufficient—I had spent years raising my children alone and doing the impossible with nothing. I was her—that strong, radiant woman who could take on the world. And now? Now I feel like a shell of her. I feel fragile, like I could break at any moment. Even though he still tells me I’m beautiful, I can’t see it. I don’t feel it. My value, my light, my joy—it all feels dimmed. And not because he doesn’t love me anymore… but because somewhere along the way, I stopped loving me.

My heart is broken—not just from his decision to leave, but from the overwhelming sense that I’ve lost control over every piece of my life. Life is beating me down, without mercy, without pause. And I’m just trying to survive the storm. I’m trying so hard to fight off the negative thoughts with positive self-talk. To speak to myself with grace. To love myself through the wreckage. But it’s going to be a long journey… because right now, I don’t feel like enough.

When I looked at him last night, I realized something that made me ache even more—he doesn’t feel like home anymore. And the truth is, I don’t feel like home anymore either. I used to be my own home. Before him, I had built something beautiful inside of myself. I was safe in my own presence. I knew who I was. And then I gave it all away. I turned “my home” into “our home,” and now that he’s emotionally moved out, I’m standing in what’s left… just me, the kids, and the echoes of what once was.

He drained me. Slowly. Quietly. Completely.
My joy. My confidence. My resilience. My belief in myself. Gone.
And I have spent so much time mourning the loss of him… that I didn’t realize God might be giving me back me.

Maybe this isn’t a punishment. Maybe it’s a blessing.
Maybe him leaving isn’t the end of my story—it’s the beginning of my return.
Because I deserve more.

I deserve a partner who enhances my life—not one who makes me question my worth.
I deserve faithfulness. I deserve to be chosen—every day, in every room, in every season.
I deserve to be loved for the softness I bring, not punished for it.
I deserve to be looked at like I am a blessing.
I deserve joy. I deserve peace. I deserve someone who was created just for me.

And until then… I deserve me.

I deserve to learn how to love myself again.
To put myself first. To see the beauty in my reflection. To honor the woman I’m becoming.
To be okay if no man ever chooses me again—because I finally chose myself.

I am not okay today. But I’m healing. And that matters too.

Because she chose herself this time.

Quote:
“Maybe losing him wasn’t the worst thing… maybe forgetting who I was is. But now, I remember. And I’m choosing me.”

With love + truth,
💔 Aria Monroe 💗
Healing in real time. Choosing herself on purpose.